Too Damn Good
by Hasselhoff
Summary: HIATUS..."He was the one who needed to change, not her, she was perfect, beautiful." Carter realises what his life is like without Abby... Abby makes a bold move
1. I Hear A Song And Somehow It's About You

Authors Note- I got bored, so this is what I came up with. I was listening to music, and yeah. So I hope you like it. I know I said I wouldn't be writing for a while, but I was just really carby inspired. Anyways if you like please read and review, thanks. I'm not sure if I want it to be a stand alone or not, so if you like it I might continue... This is jsut a result of my weird moods.

Dew laden grass sticking to his sweaty feet, bottoms rough, worn. Days, months, years... Time... He was no longer the man he once was, time... The culprit, his killer, slowly murdering, bringing his, once alive, eager soul down to a mere nothing. Each day a fight. Unbearable. Breaths shaky, words few... sketchy. Life not quite as it use to be, painful. Seconds that he once relished in, burdening him with their presence. His mind battles his heart, trying to decipher which is right, which is wrong... What way to go... Soon he won't be able to fight, that time is coming soon. All is gone, suddenly there is no purpose. No reason. There use to be. At least he thinks there was, did he imagine it? Dream it up? Some elude story, telling him that there was a reason, a reason he had donned the earth with his dull presence.

Each blade slices along his finger tips, gently rubbing against the flesh. The feeling bring back memories... Fear, pain, heartache... Love. A feeling that encompassed him, just like she would... Her life, her energy, her morbid view... He criticized it, demeaned her, told himself without her each breath would be easy, not so strained. Each day would be relaxed, painless. He was wrong. Dead wrong. Something he had proven to be time and time again. But it was too late... Yes, he had tried, maybe not in an obvious way, but he had tried. Tried to make her see, see him, see that they could be something. She was no longer the same. Changed, different... Special, more so then when they first met. He had always admired her strength, for that is what drew him to her. Everything about her was so confident... strong. He had soon to find out that that was just a strong exterior, a painted on mask. He uncovered those layer, washing each one away carefully, until she lay in front of him, pure as the day, raw as meat... bare, open to the world, unprotected, vulnerable. Yes, the unreachable woman had suddenly done it, reached under it all, pulled out her true colours. It wasn't good enough for him, nothing ever was. He needed more, his greediness, selfishness, shining through. Had his raising really had the impact he tried to fight, tried to protect himself from? Was he really the child that everybody thought he would turn out to be, given his raising, his stature in society...

Damp palms smack against the turf, providing a stable support. He finds himself being hoisted off the ground, his feet in control now. His mind somewhere else. Safer this way, yes thinking was something he did too much of, perfection was something he tried to aim for. Yet not so much in himself as in others, thinking that had to reach his standards... Yes he really was that asshole he didn't want to be. He knew where his feet were leading him... He knew turning back was no longer an option. Something had changed in him, had seeing her doing that very thing have that much of an impact on him? He was the one who needed to change, not her, she was perfect, beautiful. Sunset hitting the horizon, he knew that, he experienced that, but he never let _her _experience that. He never gave to her all the precious memories she gave to him. He caused her pain, tears misery. Yet did he ever make her smile? Watch as her mouth turned upwards in a semi-circle, her eyes glisten for just a moment, the brown circles would dance, lighting up the room... No.

The streets dark, deserted, street lamps flicker, creating a fading glow, watching as a few raindrops dance down onto the dirty cement, in a few short hours brutal feet will pound away whatever innocence it seems to posses at this moment. _Hallucinating? _He must be... Disoriented at the least... Demented.

The rain drops burn into his flesh, icy pellets run through his veins... He needs his, months waiting, watching, admiring, staring... Yes... She must know... Feeling like a complete cliche, his feet obey his heart starting off towards her down. A sole lamp lights her dark room, creating a dim glow over her shadow... She's awake. Heart pounding a million miles a minute, blood rushing through every vein, being pumped in aimless directions, mind flooded with thoughts, opportunities arising that he hasn't seen in months...His mind races ahead of reality, somewhere deep down he knows just because she happens to be awake at this absurd hour does not mean fate has a hand in this. For all he knows, the little man known as fate, could be sitting in a clock somewhere playing with the hands of time. Setting him up to fall, paying him back for all the wrong he has caused. That must be it. There is no other explanation.

He lets his mind wander, for just a moment...

Arms, legs, fingers, hair intertwined, lips brush lazily against her forehead... Slowly his eyes open, she grips tighter onto him, making sure he is real, in the flesh, not the mirage she's been seeing for days...Finger nails clawing into his back, digging through layers of skin, he doesn't mind, it brings him relief... Eases the pain. Pain of being without her, without her touch, her soothing words, angry words even. This is the way it should be, forever. He knows that's virtually impossible, with them perfect... should be... It never goes.

"Mm." He inhales her scent, something he has been without for so long... Yet it still filled him, drowning him every moment possible. She had that effect on him, on everyone... The most amazing woman.

"You smell good..." He sighs, running his fingers through her tangled hair. He hears a muffled laugh, her face buried in his chest. Breathing him in, had she really missed him the way he missed her? A few shifts, and it was like they hadn't seen each other in months instead of hours... Painful hours... Lovebirds.

"That's what all the boys say." She places gentle kisses along his bare skin, down his chest, tiny kisses circle his belly button. His fingers dance through her hair...

"Boys, huh?" She laughs again, not sure she follows, not sure he even follows... But its music to his ears. She moves her lips away from his stomach, placing her elbows on either side of his chest, supporting her body.

"Promise me something?" Her tone suddenly serious, butterflies of concern flap their wings in the small confines of his stomach.

"Anything..." He chokes down his worries.

"We'll never loose this."

The turning of the door knob brings him out of his reverie. Her face pale as a ghost, shock washes over, replacing the once startled fear. Her fingers shakily clench the package of cigarettes that is grasped between her palm. She registers what she is seeing, _who_ she is seeing. A blurred memory in the back of her mind, fading with the days, yet clear as day in her heart... Her fingers run through her hair, he watches her, his eyes never leave her small frame. Taking in her sight, her beauty. Even at this hour. He can tell she's been sleeping, not recently... But in the last few hours, her hair still crumpled, her eyes encased by black circles that don't dare take away her beauty. His breath caught in his throat for a short second.

"Abby." Her name runs off his lips, never sounding so right. Shivers run through her spine, after so long his effect on her has not worn off... She's thankful for that.

There eyes lay upon one another, silently talking... Playing silent videos for one another, as to what their lives have been like without each other... Empty to say the least... Starving. Hunger. Thirst. Voids that only they can fill.

Her jaw clenches... Her wrinkles more evident, their aging more apparent to one another, yet it doesn't matter.

Have the hands of fate really worked this time, for him, he believe they never will. But forever he will hope this moment can be it.


	2. Dreamy Nothing

Authors Note- So I decided to write another chapter. I'm not sure how it will match up to the next one, and if people do not like it, I promise to not continue, and turn this back into a standalone. Because I could be butchering the story by continuing. And thank you so very much for the reviews, I was thrilled when I read them! You have no idea.

Disclaimer- The song is not mine, its The Juice's song... Too Good. If you want to hear it, email me or put it in a review, and I will send you the link. (It's an awesome song, they are great!)

its your smile, its your style, its the way that you walk

its the way your lips move every time that you talk

its your eyes it's your thighs its the breath of your hair

its the love that drowns my eyes every time that I stare

Slipping deeper and deeper, he's not sure where he's going or how he got here. His feet will him to step closer, closing the gap that lay between them. Her eyes never leave his, fingers fumbling with the hard cardboard, prying a single stick from its restraints. Their gazes never breaking she skilfully lights the tobacco, inhaling deeply, stress overwhelming her. A simple sweet release bring her so much more than anyone could ever know. She needs this, just like she needed him. _Needed_. Not anymore, no. Telling herself it will never work, he doesn't want her anymore, it took time, but eventually the words sunk in. Reality hit her, she knows now how true those simple words are, yet their meanings reach to her soul. Ripping deep inside her. He meant something to her. No, he meant _everything_ to her. He was her sunshine on a rainy day, corny, oh yes, true though. She meant nothing to him. She thought he'd never leave. He swore he'd never leave.

__

Fuck him.

She throws the butt to the ground... well, half a cigarette to be correct. She watches as it's ashes are washed away by the newly fallen rain.

"Don't put it out on my account." His voice dry, bring back memories. Ones she buried deep within her, covering them with mistakes, and reason why they could never work, all the flaws she carries, and how the ending to _them _was really all her fault.

"Nothings done on your account anymore, Carter." Her voice raspy, full of emotion she spent months trying to hide. In one simple visit he brought them all back, flooding her mind with thoughts she no longer dreamt about, no longer let flood her mind, encompass her soul. He brought them back to life. He brought her back to life.

He watches her carefully, each movement so graceful, yet rigid and fearful. She was always unsure, nothing has changed, yet everything has. Her bare toes smack against the cool cement, finding a spot on the steps, she curls into a ball. He can't take his eyes of her, mesmerized by every action, every word sputtered. Her body focused on the falling rain, clouding his view, fogging the world around him. Everything is so clear despite it... He's meant to be here, plainly said, but he knows the complexity of it has just begun. His hands find her slumped shoulders, gently kneading a tight area, before she shrugs him off.

He needs to be closer to her, near her all the time, inside her. She needs him to be as far away as possible.

He inches closer, with every breath she takes he seems to get closer to her. He knows exactly what she wants and does the exact opposite of it. He knows how she works. The only man that ever has. John Carter, fuck him. His fingers dig into her skin once again, scalding each area that they tread along. She can't take it anymore, he's surrounding her, drowning her in his presence. Flinching, she rises from the cold hard ground, creases are left in her worn skin from where the pavement was digging into her flesh. Meeting eyes dart briefly, before she makes a dash for the door. Before he can utter a word, she's gone, deep into her apartment. She knows she left the door ajar... She knows he'll follow... She knows it should bother her more than it does... She knows she shouldn't want him to follow her.

Her feet pad against the hard wood. Darkness surrounds her, a single light provides the only light, moving closer to the rain splattered window she draws the drapes. The city below so alive, full of life, even at this hour in the morning. Each soul that wanders has a sad tale, one that drains them of their life, contradicting the picture this city draws. She longs to tug another smoke out of its package, to have the sweet nicotine flooding her mouth, gliding down to her lungs, would be a treat, a wanted one. She can't, he'll be disappointed, something she doesn't want to endow upon him again. Once was enough, once will do them in for a life time.

He's closer, inside. Few feet from her, hesitantly he lingers in the background, nervous twitches are evident in the windows reflection.

"Why are you here?" Breaking the tense silence, she uses her reflection to communicate with him, silently.

"I-" He stammers, at a loss for words. Why is he here? Does he really have a purpose in all of this, he seems to have caused her more pain... Something that started months ago, he blames himself for all their downfalls, but he knows it was just not him, it takes two to tango. Two to destroy what could have been perfect. "I don't know-" His voice lost in the night air.

She winces, no answer, not surprising. Nothing between them ever had answers... Or timing. The darkness hangs over them making the silence much more uncomfortable, he longs for it to be how it use to. When taking her into his arms was a luxury, her soft skin against his own, lips brushing slightly... Why did everything fall apart, shatter into many pieces? It's not fair. The most childish saying, but the only one that fits. It just isn't fair. How could something that started so great, felt so amazing end so badly... Broken hearts, were the only result.

"You don't know?" Her voice cutting thru him like warm water thru ice.

"Abby-" He steps closer, his voice soft, expressing everything he has ever felt. "I love you." She rolls her eyes, an action which speaks louder than words. This is not lost on him. "I love you. Do you even hear that?" His voice rising slightly, anger evident. "Do you even know that? I love you Abby. I love you. I love you. _I love you_..."

Her fingers push against the glass, he moves closer to her, his breath on the back of her neck. "How am I suppose to know it?" She mutters, her voice tear soaked, heavy with unshed drops... "How am I suppose to hear or know it when you never _told_ me?"

His mind becomes like a filing cabinet, he searches his memory frantically, coming up with one moment any moment that he divulged his secret to her. Nothing... Not one. Months then spent together, twelve to be precise, twelve months, one year, he never told her he loved her. He would wonder every night if she loved him back, not knowing that she wondered the same thing.

"I love you." His voice cracking. "I do. I always have, I always will. No one can amount to you... You're-you're different, better... Perfect." Tears flowing freely, marking their territory down his cheeks. Her bottom lip numb from being chewed on.

"It's too late." It plummets, down to the deepest crevasse in his chest, his heart is gone. There is no point to him anymore. "We made mistakes." She tries without choking on tears. "I made mistakes... You think it was you- You think its you... But you were right. When we were together and I- I wasn't good enough. Not for you... Maybe for Richard, not you." She pauses, gathering her thoughts. He's numb his eyes unable to focus. "You're perfect... Treated- Well, for the most part-" She tries, but unable to finish. How can she explain all her pain, everything that went on in her mind to someone in a single second, a single verse that will become blurred within moments. Words tumble through his mind as she continues.

"We both... We work better unfettered. I'm changed, I know it, you know it. But not the way you need me to be. I'm still Abby. Abby the nurse... Abby the drunk... Abby the self misery, self deprecating, sarcastic bitch. That's me." She shakes her head, the bitter truth falling upon their shoulders, out in the open. She's right. He knows it. She is the same person, but he has learned that being who you are... There is nothing wrong with that. He didn't hear it then... He wishes he had.

__

its the way that we melt

the lucky hand we were dealt

its too good its too damn good


	3. I Could Hold On A Little Tighter I Know

Authors Note- Hey, I'm not sure if this will be the last part to this fic or not. I don't even really like this chapter, but I am posting it anyways. Thanks for all the reviews I have really enjoyed reading them, and I'm glad people have enjoyed the story this far. If you think I should keep going just tell me, and I'll probably keep going.

Disclaimer- The song is not mine, its Lonestars Smile. Great song. And ER isn't mine... you know the drill.

I still remember the night we met   
You said you loved my smile

But your love for me was like a summer breeze  
Oh, it lasted for a while

I could hold on a little tighter I know   
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

She pulls herself away emotionally. Builds up the walls brick by brick, little by little. He knows by the end of the night, there will be no hope for him. His fingers trace along her arm, she shudders, but he can't stop. He won't. Slowly he'll show her what they could have been. What they _can_ be. Her guard stays up, a strong front for the weak interior that is falling through right now. Oh Abby. He tries to pull her closer, the resistance is too much for him. He loves her... He knows she loves him, why can't they be together? Words muddle his brain, forming puddles that splash all around making no sense, he tries to sort through each one separately but there just isn't enough time. When he thinks he has a grip, something causes a ripple.

"You don't mean that." He's not sure if he is saying it for her or for himself. Reassurance. Her bottom lip finds its way under her top tooth, kneading it carefully she looks at him. Her eyes full of hidden pain and emotion, this one day they come out, shine for him. Yet he feels nothing but emptiness. A hole where her love should be, a hole he wants her to fill.

She takes a deep breath, air rips through her lungs, pain dives through her veins. But its nothing compared to what she is feeling right now. The rain simmers down the window, streaking the glass. Her eyes stay glued, mesmerized by each tiny raindrop, anything is better than what she is feeling. His fingers find her again. She wants to yell at him, scream, kick, punch, anything... anything at all. Just leave, please leave. Don't make her fall in love again, she can do things she never thought she could, now. This year has been the one that changed her completely. He was the reason this happened, instigator. One thing she can never do, love him. Her soul aches, her heart breaks, every moment away from him caused too much pain. He tore through her like a knife through flesh, each trickle of blood represents her pain. He did that.

__

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise? cause I could really use something to hang on to right now." He nodded his words, silently vowing that no matter what, he will be the figure to stand by her. Love her. Support her.

Broken. That's all promises were, why she believed it she never knew. The romance slowly fluttered away, a butterfly flapping its wings in the breeze soon to disappear. No matter how fast she chased that butterfly, her feet controlling her mind, she could not catch up.

__

I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy  
Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me  
I'm gonna smile

Her face set in a cold stony manner. He wants to touch her soul, reach through the wires, the brick wall, show her how great love can be. He had that chance.

"Abby... I love you. Not for anything but who you are, you. You are perfect. _Perfect_." He repeats the words, his voice straining to keep up with his emotions. Listen, please god, let her listen. His voice fills her ears... Perfect is an illusion a fairy tale, nothing that she could ever be. Each flaw becomes a bit more frayed at the end of each day, creating a new flaw, no matter how small it may be, it's still there. Her imperfections growing by the hour. His fingers play with strands of her hair.

"Stop." Weakly, barely there, yet loud as a drum. "Please. Don't. Just, just go. Go John." He can't believe what he's hearing, no. He won't leave. He's heard the words before, they've echoed throughout his soul, wiping away any though or hope... A single tear falls down her cheek, her eyes soaked with emotion, her cheeks burn from the salt.

"I can't do that. I can never do that." Don't do it. He pleas with her, repeating her last sentence would kill him. Her feet slowly back her up, each wall higher than they were a few hours ago. He watches as his life is torn from his fingers. Each moment they shared together, making love, laughing, fighting, slowly being forced apart, each second runs through his mind, emotions swarm him. Never will life be the same, not without her, maybe not with her.

"You have to." Her fingers pluck another cigarette, rolling it in between her fingers. "I'm sorry." Her voice laden with tears, she's not sure if he realises what she's saying. "I- I'm sorry _I_ wrecked us. Some day's I'm sorry there was an us... Tonight, I'm just sorry that I didn't give you the chance... give _us_ the chance."

"We still have that chance." Hope. He needs hope. The room spins, with each breath takes his world is lifted a little higher out of his reach, teasing him... He wants her, a little more each day than he did the day before. He's overwhelmed with emotion.

"No." She pushes her hands against his chest, feeling him one last time, his texture on his finger tips, embedded in her memory. The way he takes each breath so carefully, as if it could be his last. She wants to be that way, she admired that about him, the way he wanted everything out of life, he wanted it all at once. She could never see that. Now she wishes she had. "I can't be with you... I'm sorry John."

__

Kiss me once for the good times, baby  
Kiss me twice for goodbye

You can't help how you don't feel  
And it doesn't matter why

Give me a chance to bow out gracefully  
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me  
  
Their fingers intertwine gently, each taking one last time to feel skin against skin, the closest contact they've had in months. The moment ends much too soon. His arms find her waist, her head against his chest. One last moment, one last time. She can be in his arms, she can feel him pressed against her. Her nails dig into him, he relishes in the moment. He knows it will probably be their last, he tries to extend it, but that's impossible.

__

Please don't do this Abby... Don't do this to me.

For a second she is on her toes, his head bows down to hers, their breath dances together, mingling for a minute, before he tilts his head to meet her lips. His tongue slides alone her lip gently, before finding it's way back into its trap. Her teeth bite down on his lip, before pulling away. His taste invades her, the way she remembered. Exactly the way she remembered. She lets her fingers trail down his chest, before resting her feet on the ground. She releases his, but he's not quite as eager to let go. His arms stay around her for a second longer, his head down to her ear.

"I _really _love you Abby." Her head bows slowly, she wants to forget those words forever, but now she knows they will echo in her mind for years.

__

Thanks a lot Carter, wreck my fucking life what don't you.

She'll never be the same without him, he stole a piece of her. She did the same to him, forever they will have a bond, not even time will be able to fade. Years from now she will look back at him, remember his smile, his taste, his scent... His everything.

His feet his the ground, releasing her, immediately she's cold. He pads to the door, his heart dropping to the bottom of his soul, its final. They're final, no more dreaming, hoping. It will do no good, it hasn't to this point. He wishes he could erase this feeling, he knows he never will be able too. How one single person managed to control his every thought is beyond him, but he wouldn't change it, he wouldn't change anything about her.

"I love you, John Carter."

__

I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage  
_Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'_

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me  
I'm gonna smile


	4. Minutes Turn To Hours, And The Hours Tur...

Authors Note- Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate them all! So thanks so much. I am ending this fic soon, either the next chapter or the one after that will be the last one. Its a short one, but I've really enjoyed writing it. Different from the fanfics I usually write. I felt it was time to try a different style of writing... I hope everyone liked it.

Disclaimer- This song is Lonestars not a day goes by. And as usual show is not mine ect...

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart  
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul  
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Cigarette ashes tumble to the hard cement; grey as the sky. She watches as they slowly flicker out, misery short lived. She wishes she could be claimed to the same fate. Her hair hangs carelessly, her eyes sunken in from restless nights. Sleep comforting her for short periods of time, leaving quickly. He haunts her dreams... He invades her thoughts... Pushing him away is impossible. Her life was driven by fear, controlled, every thought was followed by the same dangerous words... _what if_... For so long her life was controlled by fear. For a moment, a simple moment her walls crumbled fear hidden, by images of her life without him. _Him_. She told herself she didn't need him, she didn't love him. She wishes she hadn't changed that...

__

"I love you..." She repeats it. He doesn't move, not an inch, his body still, frozen. Her heart leaps into her throat, shivers running through her spine.

"Did you hear me?" Crackling beneath the pain, the words tumble out, she can't control them.

He nods, hearing, not understanding. He can't understand, comprehend. He wants too, he wants to believe that she means this, its not just a moment of weakness, a powerless second, that will fade like the black of the night. He knows differently... His finger nails dig into his frail skin, piercing him. He wants so badly to turn around, take her in his arms... His feet move closer to the door.

She doesn't flinch. She's frozen this time... Why he is leaving, when she just confessed her love is beyond her... "John..." Ripping through the night air, slicing the silence.

"Do you mean it?" He's halted for a second...

"What?" Stunned, shocked. Years... They've spent years, companions, lovers, enemies, yet always meant **something **to each other. How does he not know her better, must he really push her this far?

"Is this just a ploy- A move to make me stay... You're feeling lonely..." He's not sure why he is saying this. Does he need more than her simple words to convince him of her love... Actions, they say actions speak louder than words. Yet her actions have always been so timid, frigid, never loving, when was the last time **she** hugged him? When was the last time she comforted him? When she came after him...

"How can you say that?" Powerless. Mortified. Weak. Bastard.

"How can I not? I've loved you for years, I've shown you that I've loved you..."

"Get out." Her words like a knife in the heart, cutting through every ventricle. Asshole. Fucking asshole. Nothing is ever good enough, she being the main thing.

The wooded bench claws into her back, pain even more evident now then it was before. The memory causes pain. She loved him, she thought he was the one. Ha, is there even such thing as the one? Never before did she think there was. A lie, a fairy tale mothers tell their daughters to make them feel beautiful. Why not, every girl should feel beautiful at some point. One day she will never have that feeling again.

Abby's fingers dig into the bench, escalating her body from the old wood. Pulling her coat tighter around her body, she takes another glance out into the world... Strange, but she feels safer out there; in a place where sex, booze, money, drugs; control. She'd rather be there, than here. With him. Here where pain is in every forced move she makes. She closes her eyes for a second, the pain dissipating, as an image of her in his arms flashes. It's short lived, soon she is thrashed into the bustle of an EMERGENCY ROOM.

__

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you  
After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside  
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

A picture, a vivid picture, one she tries to erase from her memory. Once she succeeds it seems it's painted again, with more colour and imagery than the first time. Telling her something, shouting commands, whispering lies. His voice monotone as he lists out tests for her to run... She nods her head numbly, processing his words, reading to far into his body language. His hands run along his arms, his body angled toward her...

__

Stop it.

Her eyes meet his, words hanging in the air, silence engulfs them. Letters tangling his thoughts, what he longs to say... Wishing he could take back his hasty words.

"I'm sorry." He wishes he could take them back the minute his tongue flipped them out. Wounds being reopened, right here where colleagues mingle and indulge in the business of others. Mentally he kicks himself. She shakes her head, eyes nervously darting from one patient to the next, busying herself would be the only option at this moment. Yet no opportunity arises.

"Don't be." Her words laced with bitterness. fuck him. Fuck him in every way possible. Her heart dragged through the mud, his heart receiving the same fate. She pushes past his slouched form. He longs to go after her, but he doesn't move. His legs refuse to budge. She will have to be the one to chase this time. He can't any longer. He has many a time before. She ran, his feet would carry him as far as they could, pleading with her to stay... That he is the one for her. One day he could no longer be that man, he could no longer chase someone who didn't want it. He ran. She never followed. He wondered, he lay awake at night, listening to the calm African air brush against his tent, wondering if she ever thought of him. Never has his question been answered.

He can no longer be the only one in the relationship... Hell if this could even be considered a relationship. The day it ended was when the world crumbled around him, a dark and dreary place, with no hope for either of them. She managed to find a light, as tiny as it may have been, she grasped it, using it to carry her through. She succeeded. Something he has yet to do, but bit by bit he's climbing his mountain. Pulling through will be his destiny. One day.

She hasn't changed, not in his heart. She still has a place, a special spot. Slowly, he fears she will wash herself out of it. Love never was easy.

__

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart  
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul  
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Shoes smack the tarry cement, a satisfying sound rumbles in her ears. Thunder, anger being poured down around her. She tightens her jacket, his presence every where yet no where at the same time. Unbelievable. She poured her heart out to him, well... In a sense. So many words she could have spoken, yet fear ridden she collapsed only able to get those three precious words out. She knows they mean something, but not everything. Some think they are all that matters, to him, she knows more is better. His soul empty, ravished, she did some of that. Caused him irreversible pain. God she wishes she could take that moment back.

Not to leave him as saint. Pain overcame her, yet neither were there to clean the others sores. She knows what he wants, its clear as day. He wants her to be there for him, like she was the day of his sons death. Does he not remember that day? That moment, where she cradled his head in her hands, whispering words into his ear. Careless kisses placed along his hairline, tears stained her jeans... Of course not. She's selfish to think in a time of weakness she should be on his mind. She didn't do it to be thanked... She loves him, she did it for that reason.

Her feet have lead her to the most familiar spot... She glances up at the dim light shining in his window. Walking for hours and she comes upon the only spot with an answer. Why isn't this situation more ironic? _  
  
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night  
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right_

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark  
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind


End file.
